jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
