Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
