3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
