My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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