i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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