The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
