you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
