and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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