somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
