I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
