John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
