I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You're a waste of cheezeits
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
