new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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