YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
