at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
