theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
