Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
