hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
