Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
