I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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