I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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