I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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