Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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