pedialite and red bull = repair kit
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
