I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
