its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
