My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
bring money and cleavage
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
