I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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