you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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