when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
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How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
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My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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