I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
