i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
