then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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