is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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