dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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