I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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