The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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