why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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