I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
