I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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