You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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