your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
