Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
