my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
