You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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