I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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