it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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