I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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