Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
