Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
