I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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