??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
