I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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