It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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