I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
