I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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