please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
