Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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