non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You are a genius and a whore.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
